Keeping the Passion Alive
This article is featured in SNAG magazine

And so, Boy meets Girl.

And it all began at the train station.

He was a moderately good looking young man, and She was a lovely young lady. His eyes met hers. They lock gaze for a moment before she shyly turns away. They are in love! Her heart is pounding wildly and he fumbles for something to say, but words fail him. They parted without saying a word.

They meet again the following day, and this time, he plucks up the courage to talk to her. She doesn’t make it easy for him, but eventually relents. And so begins the perfect television relationship.

A year down the road, we return to the same beautiful couple. Her hands are crossed indignantly, and he is frustrated. This is an argument they cannot resolve; they are angry and no longer feel in love. Eventually, they went their separate ways.

How many times have we gone through all the trouble in courtship to secure a relationship with someone, only to have it fail and go bust?

Many times, people tell me that it is because the “feeling” of love is no longer present. As the popular saying goes, Love is blind. When the heat is on and the passion is up, it’s easy to overlook the little imperfections in him or her: so what if her nose is crooked, it’s her heart that counts! So what if he has a SMALL…. bank account? It’s the character that matters, right? Love will keep us alive, darling! But once the honeymoon period is over, guess what? Her nose is still crooked, and he’s still small. Where will you be heading next?

How, then, can we keep our relationship going when the fires of passion have already ebbed away?

Some experts might suggest doing little things like bringing your other half on a surprise candle light dinner or something, and I am all for that. There’s nothing like adding a bit of fun and spontaneity in a relationship. Yet I’d like to talk about something more fundamental at this point.

Stephen Covey, reknown behavioral guru and author of the best selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, had this to say about the topic of relationships.

A man came up to Covey after a seminar seeking advice on his marriage. “Something’s wrong with my marriage,” he began. “My wife and I, we lost that feeling of being in love. I’m no longer in love with her.”

To which Covey replied: “Then start loving her.”

The man was, of course, puzzled by Covey’s response. “But you don’t understand, we’ve lost the feeling already. How do I love her when the feeling is lost?”

“My friend,” Covey said, “if you’ve lost the feeling, then all the more you should decide to love your wife again.”

You see, “Love” is a verb; an action that we do unto people. Sure, we will get that “being in love” feeling when we begin a relationship with someone new, yet that is not the crux of what keeps a relationship going! Love is the committed action towards our partners, not the feeling. Besides, the feelings can sometimes confuse us. I personally find that it is easy to get that “falling in love” feeling with someone who has managed to impress me, yet I maintain that I only commit love - the action - to my current girlfriend. Imagine what happens when we follow our feelings instead? Two-timing alert, people!

And here’s the beautiful thing about having love as an action: it’s your action, your choice. So you can decide to do it at any time! We can decide when to give her a back rub after a long day at work, or whether or not we want to patiently listen to what she wants when she’s throwing her tantrum about, it is all up to us. Don’t worry about reciprocation from her; the law of reciprocity ALWAYS comes back full circle. Period.

All that is required of us is to want to do that. And therein lies the true test of our relationship.

And so, if you should find the passion fading away in your relationship, do remember that it is not the expiry date of your relationship kicking in. Instead, take proactive action to do something special for your partner, especially in the absence of feeling. This is truly Life bringing your relationship to a new level!

~ Kelly Lim
Kelly Lim is a Networking coach who spends much of his time coaching people on confidence issues & interpersonal skills. An extremely quiet boy in his childhood, he gladly shares with people how he made that personal jump from a soft-spoken introvert, to a confident, socialable young man that he is today.

Kelly is also an occasional writer and speaker, and runs Anybanter.com, a website that shares his personal journey and experiences in life and business, with the mind of showing others that they, too, can shine and achieve whatever they want, regardless of where they’re coming from.