How to be a Gentlemen?

Recently, Korean drama serials have become the latest buzz in town, with thousands of people watching them for the hunky, good looking actors and the sassy, beautiful actresses playing out sappy love stories on screen. I’m not a big fan of sappy love stories myself, but I do indulge my girlfriend once in a while and accompany her while she swoons over them.

In one particular scene, I saw the male lead having a bad time with his girlfriend, who was giving him a disapproving nag-down on his smoking habit. He was so annoyed that he left her stranded in the middle of the highway, driving off in a huff of constrained, silent anger.

And while he drove away in his car, his girlfriend was stumbling along the highway with broken heels, and I was sitting in the living room couch, wanting so badly to land a disapproving fist on his nose for his blatant display of chauvinism.

I must concede, though, that women can sometimes be a handful, and I speak from my own experience as someone who has had serious relationships in his life: for one thing, they can really nag, and about just about anything from the way you dress, the buddies you hang out with, about why you aren’t like the hero of her favorite romantic novel. You’ve had that before, most of you guys out there. Now doesn’t that drive you crazy? And then there’ll come a point where she won’t agree with you on just about anything, and before you know it, your relationship’s gone down the drain. What an energy-sapper!

Then there are those lucky guys who seem to have the perfect girl: sensitive and understanding, who seems to click well with their boyfriends, and to top it off, are well dressed and attractive. Where’d they find girls like that anymore?

Extinct? No, not quite. In fact, I’ve got news for you: they’re still around. In fact, they exist in every single girl out there. And they’re waiting to be discovered.

Really. They’re out there.

My mentor once said this to me: You are what you attract.

You attract the things that you are most alike.
So, you find that all around you are the not-so-ideal, nag-a-puss type of women you’d rather avoid? Maybe it’s because you’re not quite the Gentleman yourself.

You see, the Law of Reciprocation is at work here. If you’re the uncouth, unsavory sort of chap, who’s inconsiderate (or leaves her stranded on the highway after a petty argument), your girl’s bound to have complaints about you, not that she’s all that perfect herself. But if, like Robbie William says in his song, you are doing all you can “to be a better man”, there’s a high chance that she’ll sense that, and she’ll do all she can to be better herself.

So what’s the game plan here? You want your beautiful, sensitive girls in your life, start working on yourself. I present to you 3 easy-to-follow ideas:

Start off by Listening to what they are saying.
And the best way to do it is to Listen Openly.

Unfortunately, many of us are prone to closed listening, where although we can hear what the other person is saying, but we’ve already made up our mind about what we think they are saying long before they are done.

Have you ever caught yourself doing the following?
• Mind reading – completing the other person’s sentence for them before they are even finished, because you already know what they’re going to say;
• Derailing them by telling them that “I don’t care about what you’re saying”;
• Dreaming and not paying attention to what they are saying, only to end up saying “sorry, what did you say?”

If so, you’ve been guilty of closed listening; very often resulting in the other person feeling unimportant, uncared for and dismissed.

Listen openly for a change: hear what she is saying without judgment, and let her finish saying what she wants to say in its entirety. That way, you can better understand where she’s coming from. Sometimes, they don’t really want our opinions; all they want is a listening ear, and to feel that you care enough to listen to what they feel. She’ll appreciate it.

Also, bother to do things for them: a little extra effort goes a long way.

Oh let’s try this: Spend some extra time, for instance, to look good for them.

Some have claimed that a man’s appearance is not important to a woman: what’s more important is the person that he is inside.

But I’ve seen guys going on dates in crummy T-shirts, awkward looking pants and shoes that don’t match the whole outfit. Yet he doesn’t really care. “If she likes me, it’ll be because of who I am inside” he says. Sure thing, buddy, but how do you think she’d feel going out with you? “Eew, look at that guy! He doesn’t think I’m important enough to want to impress me?”

If you’re normally indifferent with the way you look, try this for a change: style your hair, bring out the clothes that look best on you, and even use that untouched bottle of cologne sitting in the shelf that you got for Christmas. She’ll be impressed by you, and guess what? Now she’ll want to look good for you! And it’s all because you took that little extra effort.

And finally, communicate. The rift of miscommunication between venus and mars is already big enough as it is. It’s hard enough for her to understand why burping loudly is alright with your buddies, so don’t leave it to chance and have her guess what you mean. Tell her what you really think and feel inside.

I’ve had a conversation with a dear friend of mine who said: “my girlfriend and I get into arguments way too often. But without these arguments, I don’t know how else I can let her know what I truly think and feel when I disagree.”

Although I agree on the part where we have to be honest with our differences, there’s a difference between arguing and communicating. We can tell our partner what we don’t like about how they, for example, get too friendly with other men, but we can do it without accusing them and making judgment on them. Only without getting defensive can they better understand how their actions have affected you, and how they can better handle it next time.

So there you have it, folks: simple steps to becoming a gentleman!

Some experts will teach you how you ought to give them flowers, bring them to a restaurant with a nice ambience, and open doors for them, but those are the advanced stuff! When you master those 3 simple ideas mentioned above, everything else comes naturally.

By that time, the girls in your life would be swooning over you, instead of some broody Korean hunk that leaves his own girlfriend hanging in the middle of the highway.

~ Kelly Lim
Kelly Lim is a Networking coach who spends much of his time coaching people on confidence issues & interpersonal skills. An extremely quiet boy in his childhood, he gladly shares with people how he made that personal jump from a soft-spoken introvert, to a confident, socialable young man that he is today.

Kelly is also an occasional writer and speaker, and runs Anybanter.com, a website that shares his personal journey and experiences in life and business, with the mind of showing others that they, too, can shine and achieve whatever they want, regardless of where they’re coming from.

Discuss further about this topic at the Forum.