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 Most People get Stuck at “Hi!”
In my career as a Networking coach, I find that I often have to help my new recruits with various social skills.
And one of the more commonly asked about skill is “Getting to know new friends”.
Just the other day, I chanced upon a conversation with Emily, a fellow business associate, on the topic of making friends. Emily finds it hard to make friends and break the ice. As a result, she hasn’t got many friends.
So I asked her: “Those friends you already have right now; how did you get to know them?”
“Oh, I got to know them because someone else introduced us.”
“So they’re friends of a friend?”
“Yup, they are.”
Here’s a little scenario to consider:
You’ve been invited to a party, and this place is really happening. There are lots of people there, and there are –WOW- so many beautiful people around! Yet here’s the catch: You don’t really know anyone there, except the host who invited you. Now, the host is busy, and you’re left alone, standing around with a drink in your hand. What would you do?
If you’d walk up to someone, say hi, and strike up a conversation, congratulations! You don’t really need to read this article anymore! :)
However, if you’re like the rest of us, you’d be keeping to yourself, hoping that your friend will “fight your battles for you” and introduce you to new friends.
The truth is that when it comes to making friends, most people get stuck at “Hi!”
They’re afraid to go up to someone and say hello. Never mind what comes after that; our fear of rejection stops us from getting past the opening phrase.
A guy sees a beautiful girl in a little black dress, swirling a Martini in a birthday party. He thinks: Wow, she’s hot! I think I’ll go up to her and say hello!
He begins to move forward, then, something else pops up in his head: You moron! Look at her! She’s probably a hot fashion model, and I’ll bet she’s already got tons of good looking guys going after her. You’re just Average Joe! You don’t stand a chance!
He hesitates a little. By then, he’s walked close enough for her to turn her head and notice him. Maybe I’ll just give her a little smile and see how things go from there, he tells
himself. Then the voice in his head begins: You smile like a frog! Look at that, look at that, she’s giving you the disdainful eye. Give it up, buddy!
He stiffens, and brushes past her, as if nothing ever happened. She looks away with disappointment and takes a sip on her Martini, thinking to herself: Another one bites the dust. Now where have all the good men gone?
Some experts call this “Self-Talk”: We tell ourselves we’re never good enough; we’re not smart enough; we’re not good looking enough; we can’t talk well enough, oh, and we don’t get many opportunities to make friends, so we better not bungle this one up. The next chance at it is nowhere in sight.
And what are the consequences of these thoughts? We get so nervous about getting it right, and we get so hard up about making it work, we start stammering, fidgeting and acting funny. With those thoughts, we’ve set ourselves up for a disaster!
Put those thoughts away and start thinking to yourself: What do I like about myself?
Well, perhaps I’ve got a nose too big, but hey! I got my mama’s eyes! Not quite Tom Cruise, but the eyes should do wonders. Oh, my hairstyle sucks. Time to go to the Hair dressers!
Do what it takes to get comfortable with yourself. If there are changes to be made, be proactive and change them. Already have got something nice you’ve noticed about yourself? Acknowledge it, and remember it. Whatever you like about yourself, people will like you for it too.
So go on and say hello to as many people as you like. Some people will click, and some people just won’t click, no matter what you do. It’s like sifting a mixed sack of red beans and black beans. You’re looking for red beans, because that’s what you like. You’re bound to come across a black bean once in a while, and you really dislike black beans. But that’s not your fault, so don’t take it personally. Just put them aside, and keep digging for more red ones. It’s really that simple. Opportunities are a-plenty, so don’t get too fixated about one or two black beans that get in your way.
I spent many years of my life concerned about what people will think of me, and what they dislike about me; and up to my 18 th birthday, I’ve only made 2 friends. I was so afraid that people will think I’m ugly, or weird, or out-of-fashion, so I steered off talking to people altogether. Yet I realized, years later, that people don’t really think ANYTHING about me; in fact, they’re spending most of their time worried about what I think about them! I started to loosen up, and spoke to more people. I went up to people at parties and said “Hello”. And the more I did it, the more I enjoyed making friends. Needless to say, I’ve got lots of friends today. And that’s what it should be like making friends: Fun.
So the next time you’re left all by yourself at a party, walk up to someone and say hi. You’ll never know when you’ll make a new friend, or better yet, a special friend! ;)
~
Kelly Lim
Kelly Lim is a Networking coach who spends much of his time coaching people on confidence issues & interpersonal skills. An extremely quiet boy in his childhood, he gladly shares with people how he made that personal jump from a soft-spoken introvert, to a confident, socialable young man that he is today.
Kelly is also an occasional writer and speaker, and runs Anybanter.com, a website that shares his personal journey and experiences in life and business, with the mind of showing others that they, too, can shine and achieve whatever they want, regardless of where they’re coming from.
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